I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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