The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I think i got beer on your cat.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
