you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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