ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
