This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
