gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
And then he peed in my hair
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