Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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