apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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