well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize