matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
