my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
