oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Randomize
