i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
im holly from the hills drunk
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize