even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
