Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
What did we do last night that was yellow?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize