Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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