In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
ok first of all what the fuck
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
