worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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