she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
