Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
