god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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