There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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