she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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