apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
