So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
