I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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