if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
