about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize