My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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