Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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