You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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