apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
