and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
