So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
