And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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