I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
