I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
