Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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