My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
