i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I know her cup size but not her name....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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