I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
