Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
