Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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