We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
