Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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