You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
