i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
