her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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