So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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