its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
