I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
