2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
