The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
