this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
