So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
