dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
