Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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