fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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