i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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