I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
